Castles I have known

La Maison des Provinces
de France: our temporary
accomodation in Paris.

A new post! But do not fear, for it is I, Walter, and not that unseemly baffoon, Wayne. He shall not bother us at present-- as I write, he is perched upon the window sill, looking out over the entrance here at La Maison des Provinces de France. His head is resting upon one arm, his face contorted in a most absurd attempt to appear sad and contemplative. I believe this to be another attempt to gain the attentions of the young ladies below. I note that he has not yet succeeded.

The Master is currently busy securing suitable lodgings for the rest of our stay, but he asked that I share my thoughts on a matter close to my heart: castles and palaces. We have, in fact, visited many during the last month, and I offer you my expert reflections on a few of them.

Edinburgh Castle
This is a formidable fortress and the first of our visit to Scotland. I was glad to see it was well equipped with dungeons-- a feature sadly absent in modern society. Of course I don't mean to suggest we go straight back to putting people in dungeons. No, dear me. I am content for it to be gradually reintroduced.

Beware the wet pavement.

We also observed an authentic mock sword fight, complete with flying sparks. But do not let the synchronised dancing and inoperable cannon fool you: Edinburgh Castle is still much to be feared. We witnessed yet another victim of the Castle's most enduring defense mechanism: wet pavement.

Warwick Castle

Evil as it should be:
highly competent.

Our kind hosts in High Wycombe took us to the famed Warwick Castle, and it did not disappoint, save perhaps for "Dream of Battle", a bewildering presentation of a battle seen through a quasi-religious drunken vision. We scaled towers, were swooped by birds of prey (not to mention birds of mutation) and witnessed an infuriating jousting match. I say so because the supposed villain in black put on a masterful show but was robbed of his deserved glory.

Yes, hide your face, novice!

The "hero", a blonde-haired amateur, was no match for the theatrical and horse-back skills of his foe. But the powers that be had ordained that the youth should win. There is no justice for the excellent!


Windsor Castle

This man is roughly
ten times more serious than
the dolls he is guarding.

Windsor presents a fine sight, which is well, considering the wait to get inside to view a small collection of French dolls and the state appartments. Tickets were required at the end of the queue, but the Master was able to proceed by explaining that he had "used a grappling-hook and climbed over the wall". The attendant seemed impressed by this account and waved us through.

As in many such establishments still owned by the Queen, photos from inside the building are not permitted.

Tower of London

What these guards lack in
actual ability to protect the Crown
Jewels, they make up for in
knowledge of Tower trivia.

The Tower of London is pleasingly self-explanatory. I should add that the Crown Jewels are still kept here. But as all the armed guards are busy preventing people taking photos of dolls at Windsor, there remain only some friendly yeoman to distract would-be thieves.


Hampton Court

Our temporary replacements
Jacob and Ella, on duty at
Hampton Court.

Finally, we come to Hampton Court, notable for its hedge maze and not having the word "castle", "palace" or "tower" in the title. I cannot report directly, however, as Wayne and I were given the day off.

Good evening!